stress and anxiety – giulia ciarapica, midwife

Morning, blessed by the Sun, Spring walks.

Here we are in Spring, the season of transformation and re-birth. Things move fast in Spring. As the “wheel of life” increases in speed, we often come out from the slow cosy winter and suddenly we find projects waiting to start and changes to deal with. Just like seeds below the ground, they urge to come out and salute the sun. This spring for me came unexpectedly. Obviously I knew it was coming, but I found myself not waiting at the window for it. Probably because I knew that “painful” changes were going to happen in this period, so my subconscious was trying to believe that the time to face them would have never arrived. But instead, we got to the nursery settling week, the day on the calendar was right, no doubts and you know what? We made it! We managed to leave the cosy nest, to “re-dress” old and new social roles and bravely take off for new skies. I am going to share how I managed to deal with the separation anxiety and how it turned for us into an important step of transformation and growth, which is also mirroring within the nature around us right now.

When to start searching the right nursery?

Wellbeing at work cards box turned into toy.

I started being anxious about bringing my child at nursery long before she needed to go at it. She was only 4 months when my Londoner friends started highlighting that I should have found a nursery already as “they are all overbooked” otherwise ” you would struggle” to find one. That thought of having to do that was playing in my brain as background noise during all my walks, laundry hanging, morning coffees. It was like an annoying fly that doesn’t let you sleep during a wet night camping along the lake. It is just not going away. But I kept procrastinating that action because another voice inside me (plus the actual voice of my partner) was telling me that it was not time yet. It didn’t take long before I realised that the reason for procrastinating the nursery search had a name: fear. The fear of facing separation anxiety.

What I learnt from my experience is a good news for procrastinators: there is no right time to do it! There will be a time that is right for ourselves. Some people needs to move really in advance and to plan far ahead to benefit from the sense of security given by so much time to make possible changes. Other people, like me, benefits from the last minute pressure to complete actions.

Acknowledging that everyone has different timing and that this is okay will help feeling less guilty when comparing ourselves with other better time managing parents. It is true that London’s nurseries are very busy but it is also true that there is a lot of them available. There are many and in good variety in terms of method, type of premises, outdoor space available, timing availability, family run or big chains. So, what I suggest doing is that the first step is to start listening yourself and noticing what it is important for you. You could also name it, write it if needed. You could draw your ideal nursery, using such creative tools to connect with what it really matters to you. You could sit with your partner if you have one and make a list of the things that matter to you both. You could bring that list with you when starting making visits or screening the web for a good named and good located one that sounds good enough to be worthy a viewing.

The importance of asking

Acknowledging to ourself that we need help it can be tricky for some but also a truly relieving experience. Asking means being able to unload the weight that we put on our shoulders when we try doing everything by ourselves. It can heal the wound that made us being self-sufficient, realising that we are no longer that person that “either you make it by yourself or you die”, they are other paths available, you can be helped and this is okay.

So, I started being more receptive of informations around me regarding nurseries. Similarly to when I was pregnant and looking for a pram: I was spotting and following with the sight any strolling buggy from miles away and insistently sticking to it until lost in the horizon. Wheels, colours, height, comfortable handles, texture of the cover…and, obviously, cute babies in it. I am not sure how much parents were happy about that tired looking, weird pregnant woman staring at them. But I am sure most of them had been in the same place few months earlier so they understood.

I started spotting parents with children of similar ages and started conversation with them. In other words, I took any possible park cafe, neighbours chat, swimming pool and library visit to stay connected with my pears. I started asking, being curious and as soon as I met a like minded parent I asked for their nursery experiences and kept my ears open for responses.

This is how I found out about online tools to search and contact nurseries like for example ChildcareUK. I found the website and app useful as they list nurseries’ features in charts that make easy to spot the timing you need, lunch/not lunch provided, years range, Ofstead grade achieved etc. However, I found that it is not the only way. Also the Council website was a good help as a map is provided with all the nurseries available within the borough and the contact details. I suggest to use multiple online searching tools because the website might bias the nursery search based on its own listing features.

Asking can be an act of true connection and sharing when we do it with intention to actively listen the other person’s experience. It can bring inspiration, knowledge and a sense of “being in the same boat” that often relieves anxiety feelings. When we actively listen to other people’s experience we get an opportunity to listen to ourselves too: we can notice what it feels right for us and what it doesn’t and all this process of self scanning can take us to our choice. I also believe that it is an healthy exercise to remember to keep a distance from other’s stories and acknowledge that those stories are unique to them. We should avoid the risk of mirroring into other’s stories and absorbing fears, as well as too negative or positive experiences. How to do it involves acknowledging what belongs to them and what belongs to us and how this can be meaningful for us both when we pay value and respect for the experience that the other is sharing with us.

How psychotherapy can help the process

How often we listen friends and relative saying: ” I was crying more than my child when time came to leave her/him with the teachers and go”. Why it is so tough to manage those first separations? Why can it generate so much anxiety, worry or even stress? Even if we are happy with our decision and we trust the teachers, we liked their way of interacting with children, even if we sensed vibrations of kindness and serenity in the classes, we observed children being respected and valued, it is still extremely difficult to leave.

What I learnt, it is that the child that was panicking at the thought of that separation it wasn’t my child, it was actually me. The experience of “abandonment” of my child was resonating with my own personal experience, and probably with other experience related to abandonment. So I understood that it was my duty to acknowledge, embrace and give sense to that abandonment experience before I could be able to support my child. Psychotherapy led this process that created the conditions for being an emotional anchor for my child. This allowed me to be present and centred for her and with her, rather than lost into my own fears.

Positive mindset is key

I found helpful to set intentions. That is when yoga and mindfulness exercise can be a good help. Once we learnt what sits at the roots of our anxiety than it is time to truly embrace it, make room for it with empathy, love and acceptance. This can allow us to deal with our emotions so we become ready to be present and focused for our child. A good idea it is to include a set of intentions at the beginning or at the end of our yoga practice.

Allowing a space for stillness during the day it is a remarkably caring and wellbeing generating choice that we can make for ourselves. It is important to create the condition for us to feel relaxed, safe and undisturbed for a time of our choice. It can help to set a timer so we are reassured that that is the time we decided to allocate to meditation and we don’t risk our mind running away with fear of getting late to the next task. As we sit or lye down in a comfortable position, we bring our mind’s attention to breathing. Aligning our thoughts with the breathing movement will bring a feeling of decompression, the bless of a pause or a slow down from our inner chatting. Our thoughts will still run, the point is, allowing this without opposing, letting go the resistance and gently, kindly, bringing our mind back to breathing.

At the end of our breathing exercise we could allow some time to set our intention for the day. An example can be:

Take three deep breaths through your nose and exhale through your mouth, this will release tension
Add a few seconds of holding breath at the end every inhale, this will help you rooting your mind and feeling centred
Gently repeat to your-self “I will be emotionally present for my child and I will trust his/her own inner resources to make it without me”.

Nurturing feelings of trust

Once we are sure to have the elements required to trust the nursery we choose than it is a good help to establish trustful connections with people that work in it. I engaged with Claudia’s link teacher from the very beginnig, trying to establish a genuine connection with her. How did I do that? I have been honest. Honest with my feelings of the moment and the way I expressed them. I shared my fears as mother about to leave the child to someone for the first time. I asked about how nursery worked, and I made all the questions I felt I should. – I am still breastfeeding Claudia, do you think I should bring expressed milk?- or, – Do you do mostly teachers led activities or do you leave children playing independently?-, – How long have you worked in this nursery? Do you like the working environment?-. The teacher kindly complied with all my questions and responded with kindness and participation. Not just that, she taught me to acknowledge that I was leaving my child to a person that was a stranger until that moment and to recognise how this could make her feel lost and abandoned initially. She explained the process of settling, and how the child should become capable to gradually build trust within the adults that will look after him/her. This made such a huge difference.

So I learnt that if we nurture a feeling of trust towards the nursery staff, especially the teacher that will be linked to our child, we can make this process easier for them. It helped me to acknowledge with empathy that teachers are human too and that it is challenging for them too to manage settling. It can help to get into know them closer, to nurture a feeling of familiarity and to feel them less as strangers. Often nursery have pages on websites or a boards where teachers describe themselves: their professional background, their interests and hobbies. I found reading those made me feel closer to them as humans, that I was leaving my child to people I knew a bit more. It is helpful to nurture thoughts were we believe that such people can bring a positive input to our child lives. We can nurture trust in the fact that they will practice their profession in order to make them feel safe and loved while we are away. Teachers will perceive this and also our child will. This might create a positive cycle of trust. A safe net where our fears can be still listened but also dealt with, in a positive and mindful way.

Praising good achievements

If we made the right choice and followed the right steps, our personal right steps, things will start improving. We might observe our fears and worries will gradually settle and that leaving the child at nursery might actually become a positive experience. Our child tears will reduce, time by time and his/her ability to self-soothe and to trust the new adults in their life will improve. They will start making friends, socialising, playing, learning new skills and engaging in new activities that will enrich their range of thriving opportunities. I observed soon Claudia starting to sit at the table for eating more eagerly, or playing with a wider range of tools, objects, toys or even exploring new ways of playing. I noticed her motor skills improved at a faster pace. The learning of the routine was also hugely beneficial and engaging with such routines helped acquiring more structure at home as well. I found it is great to ackowledge such important goals, not just to observe them within ourselves but also to talk about them with partner, family, friends and, most importantly with Claudia. It is amazing how she can already understand that I congratulate with her, how she can understand the intention and the deep meaning of what I say, more than the single words.

It’s September. It is well started now. Schools are back on. The wheel of work and life plans has restarted running. Lists of “things to do within September” are written on the fridge door. The old magnet chalk board is still doing its job. The rains are also back on. Not that they ever really stopped during this British summertime. However, they changed from the heavy storms, quickly blown away by vigorous ocean winds and followed by warming bright sun. Now, they are shifting to the thin drops, everlasting typical London rains which make you wonder whether there is still a sun behind the clouds.

During these rainy, wet, oh God WET, every day darker, but still warm evenings, we start regathering with our friends now back from holidays. We get cozy and in between one bite of pizza and the other, we share stories about French countryside adventures. We talk about camping storms misadventures, rainy beach days spent waiting for the rain to pass. We recount amusement park losses due to wee emergency and the expensive musical show lost forever.

It’s well known that stress and anxiety are some of the most frequent health conditions affecting people nowadays. Parents are also affected by these issues. The root of stress is often not within the holiday itself or the lack of capability to organize them in a way that they can be enjoyable and everything can flow smoothly. I don’t think there is a recipe for that, however, you might find lot of literature about how to plan the perfect holiday with children.

Holidays can represent many things for our life journey. Sometimes they can be an opportunity to confront our soft spots and vulnerabilities. There is so much time for thinking during holidays. Many people don’t want to think because this would open the Pandora vase and make it worse. That’s why many people choose to head to super busy holiday villages. These have lots of activities for children to keep them busy. Parents pray for an undisturbed lie under the sun at the sound of the ocean waves, fiction book in one hand, cold drink in the other.

My point is that if holidays have been a stressful moment and going back to work felt a release, then is a good idea to allow yourself a slowdown this September. Leave only the essential plans on the chalkboard list. Leave only the ones that you think increase your positive productivity and remove the ones that can wait. Consider how much stress is affecting your life and consider talking about it to a therapist. An initial consultation might make you aware of how you are feeling and whether you may benefit from therapy or not. Don’t let yourself run until the next Christmas holiday because this might keep feeding you stress ball while you run through your busy life.

Stress is about control.

When was the last time you felt the release from losing the control? For me, probably when I gave birth. Talking about holidays, I am one of those people that finds very difficult losing control. I struggle to let people decide for me. I find it hard to let someone lead me to a place or find the right restaurant or a cozy B&B without me supervising. Better yet, I prefer being the one making the ultimate decision. So, you anxious and stressed folk, have all my understanding. But what I learnt is that this requires very hard work. Holding on the control of everything it’s very tiring and it makes you develop that subtle emotional tiredness that it is very difficult to acknowledge and heal. It might be that overthinking before you fall asleep or as soon as you wake up, or that over worrying for everything comes up. It could translate in difficulty falling asleep. It could also lead to weight gain or belly fat accumulation. Digestion difficulties such as feeling bloated all the time may occur. Other stress-related symptoms, which vary from person to person, can also arise. Emotional tiredness really makes up our sympathetic and parasympathetic system and sometimes we feel so generally unwell. When it’s prolonged, we can get so much used to it that we might find even difficult to link it with a reason. So, if you are already going through a stressful moment in your life, probably organizing holiday might make it even worse, especially if they are charged with a lot of expectation to relive that stress. What I would suggest in that case is: slow down! Your body is giving you the amber flag that you might be too loaded so avoid also loading you with articulated holiday organization. Make it simple.

Create the conditions to make the right choices.

Don’t force yourself to book if you’re not ready to do so, if doesn’t feel right, do it on another day. The right place to head to will feel so and there will always be one. As long as you make that decision in a moment where you feel relaxed, positive and inspired.

Give yourself the chance to change plans.

Sometimes we get stuck in a plan that looked right when we made it but then things might have changed and it might not be anymore. So, don’t lock yourself in a cage of a plan which is no longer working. Sit on that chair, or stool or stair step, get a coffee or lit an incense or take a bath and wait for something better to come up.

Remember self-care.

Ask yourself: when was the last time I had a hot bath with magnesium salts and those delightful citrus essential oils to recharge me. There is a huge range of self-care possibilities out there, some of them even not expensive at all, that you can access. Self-care doesn’t take lot of time and not even a lot of money, it just takes to give up something else to allow yourself those 10 minutes to sit, put on that Tibetan bowls playlist and breathe!

Exercise the “drop of the load”.

If you are aware to be one of those people that tent to put all the load on their backpack to release the others, first of all well done for reaching awareness of this. The next step might be practicing exercises that help unloading your-self. It is important sometimes in families to share the load, to delegate tasks and let someone else being in charge of some. This also apply for holidays. Feeling in charge of making sure that everything flows smoothly is very hard emotional work, try to remember yourself that you can’t be in control of what is going to happen and try to have fun even if the B&B that looked so promising turns out to be a disaster. In other words, dance under the storm instead of waiting for the storm to pass or, even worse, feeling guilty for having picked a storm day. It’s impressing how much we can load our-self.

If you practice yoga, it’s a great idea to reserve yourself 30 minutes for a yoga Nidra, which is the rotation of the body awareness on the different parts of your body while keeping a relaxed steady breathing. Thirty minutes of a well practice yoga Nidra can be equitable to several hours of deep sleep. You might feel a lot rested and your mind flowing more smoothly and less restless after that. If you practice regularly, try refreshing yoga routines like the moon salutation in the evening before dinner time. As breathing exercise, Chandra pranayama is a calming technique you can try when you decide to reserve yourself 15 minutes to sit and breathe in front of the river flow, for example, or just on your carpet in front of the soothing light of a candle.

We can’t control our children fun and happiness.

As much as we try, our children or our partner might not like what we organized, or we might not like what he chooses to do this time, making us feel that our so much precious and packed with expectation and wait holiday time was all wasted. This may lead to the sense of guilt spoiling our holiday or day out and lit up our anxiety. My advice is to try to give back the emotions to whom they belong to. It is okay whether our children get upset during our special day out, they surely have their own reasons to do so. Rather than thinking how to avoid it or prevent it, we can support them during their rough time, wait for the storm to go and then start again.

Happy slow September everyone, look after your-self and enjoy every step of the way before the arrival of this coming fall. I leave you with this video of the Moon Salutation sequence from my beloved teacher.

Tag: stress and anxiety

Nursery settling: my experience of managing separation anxiety.